ive renewed my interest in livejournal. at least for the day.

shes incredible. beautiful. perfect. everything terrible love songs are so good at expressing.

i can't imagine not waking up with her every morning for the rest of my life.

but shes leaving. going away. hello new york. goodbye tahoe.

i dont know what to do. where to turn. we've been through so much together and we're so happy.

she wont budge.

she wont fucking budge.

i dont know what im going to do.

i belong in a different place.

but i cant leave.

all i want is for the both of us to accept this, for whatever it is.

"life's confusing when you grow up isn't it brian?"

im only doing this because it's the only way for me to write at the current moment. i tried salvia last night and i wanna write about it before i forget about it, cuz it was like a dream.

first off, definetly wouldn't recommend it to anyone, unless youre seriously laid back or youve had tiny bit to drink so it calms your nerves a little bit. in my apartment, bret insisted that we leave the visualizer on the tv on with the music. so i turned on "pachuca sunrise" by minus the bear, and took my hit.

after holding it in for 20ish seconds, i exhaled, and didnt think anything was happening, and then, all the sudden, the colors on the visualizer went crazy and start moving off the screen into my living room. my body started to pulse to the music, it was like someone was giving me a tiny shock each and every beat.

then all of the sudden, i looked to the right and was no longer in my living room. i was on a pier at sunset and there was a boat waiting for me. bret said i kept asking him if he was gonna come with me. the colors were amazing, everything was beautiful, and kind of a slight shade of orange. i tried walking to the boat but ran into my coffee table, knocking a large budha figurine off. i sat back down, and almost felt like i was going into a trance and lost control of my body, and i ended up on the floor. the shade coming from the television was now blue, and im not sure how it happened, but the area under my coffee table and under my couch and chair became the smurf village, and i was watching everything they did.

thats when things got nuts. the thing about salvia is you forget you smoked it, so my mind thought that those hallucinations were real life. then i realized i was still living in the real world, and it proceded to scare the shit out of me. i obviously have never felt this feeling,but the closest thing i can think of is it felt like i was dying. i was still pulsing, hallucinating, and fighting this drug. this was an error. its not something i could even control, it was all in my subconcious. and finally after about 4 minutes of paranoia and feeling more scared than i ever had felt in my life, it was over, and i returned to reality.

im happy got the experience, but i wont be doing that again.

nervous nervous nervous nervous nervous nervous nervous nervous

As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
I don't miss you at all
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud
I don't think of your smile

So if you never come to me
You'll stay a distant memory
Out my window I see lights going dark
Your dark eyes don't haunt me

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand
As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down

I don't miss you at all

tonight i went to a party that was fantastic. all my friends from high school were there. it's so strange though. we've all changed so much and moved on, but when we all get together once every few months, it's like we revert back to who we used to be because we're more comfortable around eachother like that. looking around at these faces, i wondered if maybe if i was the person i am now when i met them, if they would still be my friends... are people destined to be friends regardless of what state of mind they happen to be in at that point in life? maybe. i dont know. i love them with everything.

regardless, double tomorrow. bleh.

oh my god.

oh my god.

OH MY GOD!!!

the sequel to my favorite game EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!!!!! it's been 10 years and it's finally coming out!!!

Starcraft II

holy shit, i don't care if im a TOTAL nerd right now im ecstatic!

my summer album. ive decided what it is. every summer i have one. this years is kinda different though.

and the winner is...

"The Lame Lies Down on Broadway"
By: Genesis

even though it was kinda released in 1974, it's incredible, and it's something of a masterpiece.

its been a long time.

and i mean a LONG time.

since i was so happy i couldnt contain myself and screamed "YES!" in a crowd of people.

i love summer. i love denver.

that is all.

i love waking up and its a nice day outside.

yesterday i pulled out my guitar and used a strap for the first time in forever. i havent performed in so long i havent had a need for a strap. regardless, it was fun.

last night molly, ryan, sean, brinon, and i went out to noir. that was fun. brinon is so funny when she smokes hookah.

oh, and foo fighters pretty much are amazing.

so im either going to leave tonight ecstatic and feeling like there is still hope, or im going to leave broken. again.

encounter #2. here we go.

Spem in alium numquam habui praeter in te
Deus Israel
qui irasceris
et propitius eris
et omnia peccata hominum in tribulatione dimittis
Domine Deus
Creator coeli et terrae
respice humilitatem nostram
------------------------------------------------------------
I have never put my hope in any other but in you
God of Israel
who will be angry
and yet become again gracious
and who forgives all the sins of suffering man
Lord God
Creator of Heaven and Earth
look upon our lowliness

tonight.

i found a warranty plan for a diamond ring i bought almost a year ago.

memories.

please excuse this rant, as it is littered with some obscenities about a certain 3 people who came to red robin tonight.

you have the fucking nerve to leave me a $2.50 tip on a table i know i fucking nailed perfectly that was a $45.00 check, but leave me a JESUS card?! are you fucking out of your mind?! i'm legitimately upset about this! not because i wanted the money, i would have shrugged it off, but your little jesus card stunt was too much you fucking prick. i AM a christian, and i am disgusted with my religion right now.

anyways, sorry. IM A POOR COLLEGE STUDENT WHO GETS PAID $3.85 AN HOUR!!! TIPS ARE HOW I LIVE!!!

moral: learn how to tip.

im missing brittany again lately.

this sucks.

i HATE


HAAAAAAAATE

being patient.

worth it in the long run? no way of knowing.

and in other news, the debates were awesome yesterday. now we have the republicans next week. be sure to watch them kids, it's important to know the issues. do i think any of my republican friends (*candace*cough) will ever vote democrat because they do better in debates? nope. debates have nothing to do with it, kerry won all of them in 04 and still lost. BUT if they are gonna vote, i wanna make sure they're voting for the candidate who best represents them.

and in other news, i have a job. my job is good. i have income. i am NOT a leach anymore.

so my happy new vehicle shall be here soooooooon. and that means i can drive myself places. like denver. to not be in greeley. i dont like greeley. it smells. and denver is amazing. im here at least one more year, and i seriously doubt i will be returning when im a junior. i'll most likely be at metro.

"but how will i know litmus from lies
if i never try?
theres no promise of safety
with these second hand wings..."

Sen. Gravel is totally getting my vote.

I LOVE this guy.

go listen to Dirty and left out by the almost.

thats my current feeling.

i HATE money.

and not having any.

paycheck comes soon.